Guan Suo's Diary: Needless Expectations
by CallMePrincessAshelin
Summary: Suo's diary will contain chapters speaking about life in Shu, family problems, relationships and war. Weizhi is going through a hard depression phase due to disappointment and unreachable goals. This is quite sad, I warn you. New year has come and everything went upside down, a lack of understanding? Or many misconceptions? What went wrong?


_**Guan Suo's Diary: **_

_**Needless expectations **_

It was nearly time of celebration, New Year was on the verge of arrival and this would usually call for a big feast in every kingdom in China, Shu, Wei, Jin, and Wu. Special occasions are probably the dullest moments of my life. Not trying to be a party pooper but they just never go well. Why? I have no clue. Hoping things will go better this time around, I planned everything myself. Guan Ping and Xing would go to hunt for rabbits, and maybe some deer too. Whilst me and Yinping will pick some fruits and then head to the market to buy some new garments, wine and rice cakes.

So the next day came and as planned Ping and Xing head out early to hunt what meat they could find whilst I and Yinping paid a visit to the peach gardens, little sis wanted to try make some peach cakes, so we went there. On our way I collected some cherry blossoms, not just because I love them but I thought I would make some tea with them. That's another infamous hobby of mine, making my own tea's using different spices, I just like the outcomes but it tends to take a lot of hard work before getting a pleasant taste, once I tried using ginseng which is way too powerful and ended up losing my sense of taste for a whole month. Horrible memories.

Anyway everything was going good so far, I really hoped that father would buy me a calligraphy set this new year, don't let your mind sway too far, I'm not into Chinese calligraphy, I'm into literature and poetry I just like to make my work look a work of art. I've seen what I want at the market but it's a bit expensive, the calligraphy set contains special paper, different sized paint brushes, ink, scrolls, wax and ribbons. I made it clear to father that I wanted it, I just hope he buy's it for me, I'll be the happiest person in the world.

…

At school I was usually quite cheeky, studying was never really my thing, I wasn't bad, I just messed around because I wasn't interested, I didn't have many friends but it didn't often bother me, usually my brothers' friends were kind of mine too, but it was only because of my brothers that it was like that, I always understood when I wasn't wanted and I didn't like to be in places where I didn't fit it. Guan Xing wasn't as popular as Ping, but he always had his one true friend who stuck around through thick and thin. Zhang Bao of course. Whilst Ping on the other hand was friends with everyone, he is just more approachable I guess. I can be shy at times and a little too kind. Not to mention that all of Ping's friends don't take me seriously because to them I'm still Ping's little brother, so they all treat me as if I were a kid, and they don't usually have their usual conversations in front of me, I just leave them alone and do my own thing, I guess it would be nice to have a friend who shared the same interests but I'm still satisfied with the way things are.

…..

I haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I really try to push it aside, but I just feel so odd. I'm so lost in thought and I can't seem to stop talking to myself.

…

After we collected the peaches and flowers we headed over to the market, the market was always a fun place to be and there was always something new available, it's often hard to drag me out of here, because I spend hours looking around. I know I don't have much time for that today so I'll leave it for another time. We bought all the things we needed and headed home hoping to start cooking early since Yinping wanted to finish early so she can sit down for a bit. I promised I'd help her with filling the meat buns since that's about the only thing I know how to do.

….

By the time New Year's Eve had come we were all gathered around the dinner table, father, me, Yinping, Ping and Xing. We all said our prayers and began to dig in. For some reason no one really said much, it's as if they didn't want to see each other, it was awkwardly quite, eyes wondering around and sad expressions on every face as if we were in a funeral, in fact it didn't really feel like anything special at all. Once again I felt disappointed, all my efforts had gone to waste, every one of us was drowned inside their own little bubble keeping the rest at arm's length, it's not like I wouldn't try to get closer to anyone, it's just I don't think anyone would care about my problems, their cares are different to mine. It never feels like anyone else tries, why am I the only one who is lacking love or is needing for family? I swear none of them could care less.

The food tasted like nothing, it was as if we were eating just for the sake of eating, I felt like an extreme depression washed over me. I wished it would be over. I'm not trying to be selfish but I was hoping father would get us something; he seemed like he just wanted to finish with us and go to enjoy the rest of the night with Lord Liu Bei and Uncle Zhang Fei. We totally fail as a family. Probably the worst family in the world. The more older I got the more I noticed how as kids we were happy about a little thing, and we were grateful for receiving a gift no matter how small it was, the older we got the less it mattered. I don't know if it's called being greedy because we constantly want more, or maybe our expectations got higher, or is this what it means to become mature. Maybe that would be called being realistic. The older we grow the smaller our dreams become because we realise how it's so hard and almost impossible to make your dreams come true. When we were little our dreams were so big we felt the world couldn't hold us. I always wished to grow older quickly to do what I wanted but reality hit me hard. I thought when you become 18 you are finally old enough, I'm just 16 now and I realise how much growing I have to do in the next two years. I'm always scared of falling behind.

Now I guess I wished I was still a kid, innocent, naïve and my problems never weighed as heavy as they did now. I can't seem to stop the tears running down my face so I just left and made my way to my own tent. When I cry it usually takes me a long time to stop and everything replays in my head. I'm usually energetic, lively and always smiling but when I'm sad, I become extremely depressed. I can't help it. I hate that about myself. I'm just so sensitive…

…

A few minutes had passed and father interrupted my moments of sadness. "Clean the stable for tomorrow, I will need it" He asked, though it sound more like a demand. I usually complained and moaned but this time I didn't. I just got up and got on with it, it was quite difficult to see and cleaning the stable was not an easy job. I did what he asked for crying through every minute of it. Sometimes I think parents really don't understand our world. They are always expecting us to do things for them forgetting about how we feel. Father always bought gifts for others, Uncle Liu Bei and Uncle Zhang Fei's children hoping to make them happy or hoping to fit in and have a family forgetting about his real family. Or did we really not matter that much. And happiness doesn't cost money. It's always been this way, I always tell myself I have to stop expecting so much.

…..

I walked to my tent after finishing the cleaning, Ping and Xing offered me a drink but I said no and rushed to my tent so no one could see my face. It was obvious that I was crying. I felt so depressed that the world could not contain me. It felt cold and empty inside my chest. I never really knew what love meant but this is one of the times I wished I had someone by my side to cry on their shoulder. I really tried to fall asleep as they say sleep is a temporary cure for loneliness and right now I am past the point of being lonely. The word lonely is not enough to describe what I'm feeling right now. And so that whole night I spent my time asking myself, why the hell didn't it work out? What went wrong..?


End file.
